Room for Two
When I was pregnant with my second child, I harboured a nasty secret. I was certain I could never love any other child the same way I loved my firstborn. My precious daughter. My girl. I confessed this to a few close friends who had more than one child. They all promised me that when the new baby came, I would have plenty of love to go around. I knew in my head that they were right, but in my heart, I was not so sure! I didn’t even feel bonded to this baby the way I bonded to my firstborn “in utero.” I sang and read stories to her daily, from the moment I was 5 months pregnant and the books assured me her ears were developed enough to hear voices and sounds outside the womb. With my second pregnancy, I couldn’t imagine that another child could captivate my heart as my daughter had.
The moment came when my son was born, and I was elated. I had a beautiful, strong and healthy boy! However, as the hormones and adrenaline seemed to ebb, and I found myself overwhelmed with the crazy first few weeks in a newborn’s life, I was horrified to realize that I hardly knew this young babe. He was such a stranger to me...and to top it off, he was making me feel exhausted! My daughter meanwhile, at the lovely age of 17 months, was delightful and funny and becoming more and more independent every day. She talked to me, showered me with hugs and kisses (of her own accord) and kept me in fits of laughter with her silly antics. I phoned my mom one day and confessed I was a terrible Mother, I actually had a favourite!! I couldn’t believe how awful it sounded, and yet, I knew it was true...I felt like I loved my daughter much more than this tiny stranger that was taxing my time and energy.
A few months later, my daughter got older...closer to that “magical” age of 2. She started doing strange things like lying down in the middle of the floor and screaming when she didn’t get her way. She broadened her already rich vocabulary with the dreaded word, “No,” and she decided (of all things) that she had a mind of her own, and would use it to try and control her world...me included.
And then it happened. One day while I dealt with my daughter, who happened to be in the middle of a tantrum over the colour of spoon she had been given to eat her breakfast, I looked over to see my son playing quietly in the corner, chewing on a toy snake and smiling cheerfully at me. My baby boy(now past the difficult first 6 weeks of infancy)...who had recently started sleeping 10 to 12 hours some nights, and having two glorious, uncontested naps daily! The baby boy who had begun to smile non-stop (especially at me) and make all sorts of endearing babbling noises in his attempt to get my attention; a wonderful, gentle soul who had discovered his love of faces and would reach out and gently pat my cheek every time I held him. My son, whom I had really gotten to know better, and who had suddenly become...the favourite!! I’m quite sure I began to giggle and stopped in the middle of my tirade to pick up my little girl and hug her tight, kissing her beautiful cheek. Her tantrum ended abrubtly and I smiled at her, “I’m gonna be okay at this,” I whispered.
Later I phoned my mom and explained in relief that I had finally figured it out. I truly did have a deep, crazy love for both my children, and while neither was necessarily favoured over the other, daily circumstances would swing the pendulum one way or another, depending on who was currently driving me the least nuts. I think it’s a “fail-safe” of sorts in the circuitry of Motherhood. Even though one child may be pushing you to the brink of insanity one day, surely another is causing you unspeakable joy and reminding you why you became a mom in the first place.
This miracle of “A mother’s love,” is also teaching me a lot about my Father’s love. If I am capable of feeling such love for my children, then how much MORE is my Maker’s love for me? Hard to fathom...this true “agape” love that compels action and is free of encumbrances. Like favouritism.
Today happens to be one of those days when I just can’t choose between them. My heart is full to overflowing with the love I feel towards both my great kids. Sometimes it is overwhelming...and sure, sometimes they push my buttons and make their sibling seem much more attractive, but I don’t worry about it. Because I know that deep down, there is indeed room for two (and maybe more!) in this Mother’s heart.
The moment came when my son was born, and I was elated. I had a beautiful, strong and healthy boy! However, as the hormones and adrenaline seemed to ebb, and I found myself overwhelmed with the crazy first few weeks in a newborn’s life, I was horrified to realize that I hardly knew this young babe. He was such a stranger to me...and to top it off, he was making me feel exhausted! My daughter meanwhile, at the lovely age of 17 months, was delightful and funny and becoming more and more independent every day. She talked to me, showered me with hugs and kisses (of her own accord) and kept me in fits of laughter with her silly antics. I phoned my mom one day and confessed I was a terrible Mother, I actually had a favourite!! I couldn’t believe how awful it sounded, and yet, I knew it was true...I felt like I loved my daughter much more than this tiny stranger that was taxing my time and energy.
A few months later, my daughter got older...closer to that “magical” age of 2. She started doing strange things like lying down in the middle of the floor and screaming when she didn’t get her way. She broadened her already rich vocabulary with the dreaded word, “No,” and she decided (of all things) that she had a mind of her own, and would use it to try and control her world...me included.
And then it happened. One day while I dealt with my daughter, who happened to be in the middle of a tantrum over the colour of spoon she had been given to eat her breakfast, I looked over to see my son playing quietly in the corner, chewing on a toy snake and smiling cheerfully at me. My baby boy(now past the difficult first 6 weeks of infancy)...who had recently started sleeping 10 to 12 hours some nights, and having two glorious, uncontested naps daily! The baby boy who had begun to smile non-stop (especially at me) and make all sorts of endearing babbling noises in his attempt to get my attention; a wonderful, gentle soul who had discovered his love of faces and would reach out and gently pat my cheek every time I held him. My son, whom I had really gotten to know better, and who had suddenly become...the favourite!! I’m quite sure I began to giggle and stopped in the middle of my tirade to pick up my little girl and hug her tight, kissing her beautiful cheek. Her tantrum ended abrubtly and I smiled at her, “I’m gonna be okay at this,” I whispered.
Later I phoned my mom and explained in relief that I had finally figured it out. I truly did have a deep, crazy love for both my children, and while neither was necessarily favoured over the other, daily circumstances would swing the pendulum one way or another, depending on who was currently driving me the least nuts. I think it’s a “fail-safe” of sorts in the circuitry of Motherhood. Even though one child may be pushing you to the brink of insanity one day, surely another is causing you unspeakable joy and reminding you why you became a mom in the first place.
This miracle of “A mother’s love,” is also teaching me a lot about my Father’s love. If I am capable of feeling such love for my children, then how much MORE is my Maker’s love for me? Hard to fathom...this true “agape” love that compels action and is free of encumbrances. Like favouritism.
Today happens to be one of those days when I just can’t choose between them. My heart is full to overflowing with the love I feel towards both my great kids. Sometimes it is overwhelming...and sure, sometimes they push my buttons and make their sibling seem much more attractive, but I don’t worry about it. Because I know that deep down, there is indeed room for two (and maybe more!) in this Mother’s heart.
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