The Confession

Lord, I lost my mind yesterday. I yelled and screamed and fully gave into my anger in front of my kids. It was a foolish temper tantrum brought on by my own selfishness and pride. It was sin, plain and simple. I have lived in agony every minute since the incident, terrified I have once again, ruined my children forever and devastated that I gave them front row seats to the show on how not to respond to unfavorable situations.

But you know all this, right? You had a front row seat yourself.

I’m just finding it all so hard; this new arrangement of being a single parent while my husband is away for the week at work, new stages that are bringing with them harder challenges, and all the sleepless nights. I am just so tired.

I absolutely cannot do this without you. I try every day, but I fail. The thing is, when I’m plugged in to your Spirit, and staying close to the foot of the cross, I can manage. There’s less yelling, less crying, and less guilt. Less of me, more of you.

But I’m a drifter by nature. I start the day with the best intentions, and by mid-afternoon I have suddenly forgotten my need for help and I’m floundering as I try to go it alone. Suddenly I realize I’m living (and mothering) according to my flesh, so I struggle to find my way back to the foot of the cross and it starts all over again. Such a pointless cycle. Does it remind you of anyone? Those wilderness wanderers you love to call your people, perhaps?

I need your forgiveness. And I need your mercies which you have promised are new every morning. I need you to transform me…so that the patience available to me through your Spirit can manifest itself in my actions. Really. I need that patience in the worst way. I need you to help me mother with grace and dignity…no easy task on my own strength. Let me tell you.

Did I already mention I need you? I am dependent upon your cross everyday. Your mercy, grace, forgiveness, freedom, love, patience, wisdom...everything that cross stands for, I need it! Without it, I am stuck in a prison of selfishness, paralyzed by my need for things to go my way…immobilized by a heart full of so much that is opposed to you. And my kids…well, they suffer. Most of all, (and the saddest part of all of this…)they can’t see YOU for the obstacle that is me.

Being a Mom is the hardest job I have ever done. And for every time I feel I’m successful at it, there are a dozen more instances in which I have failed. Talk about an exercise in humility...

But you “giveth more grace.” “Your power is made perfect in weakness” (Boy, am I a case study in weakness or what?!). “Your mercies are new every morning.”

And because of that (and only that!...) can I let go of this day and start another.

With so much thanks for your most wonderful gift of unmerited favour,

Your beloved daughter...a penitent mother.