Here

Lately people keep asking me how I’m doing.  To be honest, I can simply answer with one word.

Tired. 

I’m just so tired.  The list of things tiring me out these days seems to go on and on…

I’m tired of having to say goodbye to my husband every other week and do life without him for 8 long days at a time.  I’m not designed to be away from him.  Ever.

I am tired of trying to convince people that I am not due any day now.  Yes, I still have 2 long months to go, and NO I am definitely not having twins.  Trust me.  Not only have I seen the ultrasound, I’ve lived through three other pregnancies exactly like this and dealt with the same questions and shocked expressions each and every time.  I have 9+ pound babies that measure two feet long.  Apparently they take up a lot of space.  I'm aware of my enormity.  Believe me. It would be nice to not have to be reminded by perfect strangers.

I’m tired of sleepless nights.  Everything from bad dreams, blanket issues, night time coughs, chirping fire alarms, loud parties at the neighboring surf school, and my own over active brain has been preventing sleep and I from getting close these days.  It’s exhausting.  Literally.  

I’m tired of the battle against self.  This year I’ve been trying to blame less sin on “my personality” and willingly put myself in a position for the Lord to (sometimes painfully) peel away those layers that prevent me from being more like Him.  Anger.  Pride.  Judgement.  It’s all thanks to Self.  Oh, that dreadful Self that whispers constantly in my ear that this life is all about me.  I’m tired of never finishing the process.  It takes daily intentionality not to drift from the victory Christ has afforded me.

I’m tired of wishing life away.  Wishing for the week to be over so my husband will be home, wishing the next few days to be over so I can get off this island and see my friends and family again, wishing the next two months over so I can meet my fourth child.  Typically I want life to slow down but this is just a different season...

A song has been going through my head a lot lately whenever I begin to wallow in self-pity over all these things making me tired.

Your grace is enough, more than I need
At Your Word I will believe
I wait for You, draw near again
Let Your Spirit make me new

And I will fall at Your feet
I will fall at Your feet
And I will worship You here

It’s the last lines that cause me to pause each time I hear or sing them.  I’ve been challenging myself to sing them IN TRUTH.  You see, it’s easy for me to sing about His grace being enough.  I believe that with my whole being.  And time again I’ve experienced renewal thanks to His Spirit as I draw near to He who has never left me.  Even in this season I experience His strength and refreshment in the moments I need it most...I can sing those lines with gusto!  And as for falling at His feet...what other choice do I have?  I am literally at the end of my own strength these days and need Him for the simple task of making it through many tiring days.

But it’s the last line that has caught my attention:

And I will worship you here.  

Here.  As in, right here-exactly where I happen to be at this moment.

In my weakness.  In my tiredness. In my exhaustion.  Can I really worship Him HERE?

But I must.  Because the TRUTH is that He has not changed.  He is not tired.  He is not even slightly weary and he is NOT done.  

Yes, the reason I can worship Him here is because I must.  No matter what my circumstance or situation...He is God.  I am not.  He is worthy of my praise...deserving of my life poured out as a worship offering.  He is enough.  He graciously gives me all I need.  And He loves me.  OH HOW HE LOVES ME!

And so on that note...I will lift my eyes from my exhaustion and look up.  

And I will worship HIM here.

Will you?