Mommy's Sub-Plan
I’m sick today. I have one of those nasty colds where you feel like your head truly is going to explode, and you have to keep your mouth open to breathe, so when you look in the mirror you realize that not only do you feel like death...you look like you climbed out of the extremely shallow end of the gene pool. Lovely.
As a former teacher, I've decided to call for a substitute. Here is my Day Plan:
7:30am – Drag yourself out of bed. Tell yourself to suck it up...4 hours of sleep is plenty. Shower (If Monday, Wednesday, Friday) and dig through the pile of laundry to find something preferably not barfed on. Or covered in glue and glitter (unless however, you’re going for the “posh spice” look.)
8:00am – Go get the kids out of bed. First, dress the baby and lay him on the floor while you dress the toddler. Make sure he is out of arm’s reach of the toddler’s hair, and slightly out of the way so you don’t step on him while you run after the toddler who loves to make getting dressed an elaborate game of “chase.” Don’t worry if you get the pants on backward or inside out...she will likely have stripped down to her underwear by the time breakfast is over.
8:30am – Put toddler in high chair with bowl of Cheerios or whatever it is that she WILL currently eat. Make sure she has the purple spoon and the bib that does not tickle the back of her neck. Or feel free to roll the dice with the yellow spoon and the “scratchy neck” bib. While you are doing this, nurse the baby with the other hand.
9:00am –After you get the Cheerios out of the toddler’s bodily cavities, it is time for Morning Playtime. For this activity, you are basically just the moderator. Try to keep the toy explosion to a minimum, don’t let the toddler shove the markers up the baby’s nose (or her own...now that the Cheerios have left a void...), and be on hand to dress and undress the doll 274 times. This independent play will last all of 15 minutes – then it is your job to entertain. Make the voices in the stories you read sound authentic, put on a show worthy of Broadway with the stuffed animals, if necessary...you can always resort to the Chicken Dance. It’s been a real hit around here lately.
10:30am – Attempt to run the errands for the day. Be aware that you will likely give up and go home after schlepping the baby’s car seat and dragging the toddler in and out of the car a couple of times. If you are lucky, the baby will fall asleep for a while, until the toddler throws her sippy cup on his head. This part of the day is not for the faint of heart. If you do happen to make it to the grocery store, try to make up an impromptu list of the things you will need to make nutritious meals for the next few days, all while trying to convince the toddler that you do not, in fact, need 10 jars of pickled eggs. Oh, and when she starts throwing a fit because she wants you to buy her a treat, just reach into your bag and pull out the healthy snack you remembered to put into your bag before you left the house. If you forgot the snack...pickled eggs it is!
12:00PM – Feed the toddler lunch...once again while nursing the baby. If you have a spare hand...you might use it to fix yourself something to eat, since you may be realizing you have not yet eaten today!
1:00pm – Naptime!!! Read the necessary stories, sing a few songs and tuck both kids into bed for an afternoon nap. Oh, and before you do, make sure you put the toddler on the toilet so she can “do her thing.” I guess I forgot to mention you should be doing this at least once an hour to avoid accidents.
While you will be tempted to sit down and put your feet up during this glorious quiet time...don’t get too comfortable. This is your chance to clean up the Cheerios from breakfast, clean the floors, do the laundry, have your devotions, talk on the phone, pay the bills, vacuum and clean bathrooms. Prioritize.
4:00pm – (If your luck holds out) Kids will be up and husband will be home! Hand the kids off to him and get to work preparing a healthy, delicious meal that will appease your husband and also contain all 4 toddler food groups: chicken fingers, cheerios, ketchup and fish crackers. Good luck with that by the way...and if you’re successful, leave the recipe.
6:00pm – After supper, is bath time, bible stories and bed by 8pm!! NOW is your breaktime...and enjoy it...if you can even THINK about doing anything other than crawling into bed! Might as well, since you’ll likely be up again with the baby in a few hours.
Oh, and say hello to my husband for me...tell him I can’t wait to spend some time with him again...in about 18 years!!
As a former teacher, I've decided to call for a substitute. Here is my Day Plan:
7:30am – Drag yourself out of bed. Tell yourself to suck it up...4 hours of sleep is plenty. Shower (If Monday, Wednesday, Friday) and dig through the pile of laundry to find something preferably not barfed on. Or covered in glue and glitter (unless however, you’re going for the “posh spice” look.)
8:00am – Go get the kids out of bed. First, dress the baby and lay him on the floor while you dress the toddler. Make sure he is out of arm’s reach of the toddler’s hair, and slightly out of the way so you don’t step on him while you run after the toddler who loves to make getting dressed an elaborate game of “chase.” Don’t worry if you get the pants on backward or inside out...she will likely have stripped down to her underwear by the time breakfast is over.
8:30am – Put toddler in high chair with bowl of Cheerios or whatever it is that she WILL currently eat. Make sure she has the purple spoon and the bib that does not tickle the back of her neck. Or feel free to roll the dice with the yellow spoon and the “scratchy neck” bib. While you are doing this, nurse the baby with the other hand.
9:00am –After you get the Cheerios out of the toddler’s bodily cavities, it is time for Morning Playtime. For this activity, you are basically just the moderator. Try to keep the toy explosion to a minimum, don’t let the toddler shove the markers up the baby’s nose (or her own...now that the Cheerios have left a void...), and be on hand to dress and undress the doll 274 times. This independent play will last all of 15 minutes – then it is your job to entertain. Make the voices in the stories you read sound authentic, put on a show worthy of Broadway with the stuffed animals, if necessary...you can always resort to the Chicken Dance. It’s been a real hit around here lately.
10:30am – Attempt to run the errands for the day. Be aware that you will likely give up and go home after schlepping the baby’s car seat and dragging the toddler in and out of the car a couple of times. If you are lucky, the baby will fall asleep for a while, until the toddler throws her sippy cup on his head. This part of the day is not for the faint of heart. If you do happen to make it to the grocery store, try to make up an impromptu list of the things you will need to make nutritious meals for the next few days, all while trying to convince the toddler that you do not, in fact, need 10 jars of pickled eggs. Oh, and when she starts throwing a fit because she wants you to buy her a treat, just reach into your bag and pull out the healthy snack you remembered to put into your bag before you left the house. If you forgot the snack...pickled eggs it is!
12:00PM – Feed the toddler lunch...once again while nursing the baby. If you have a spare hand...you might use it to fix yourself something to eat, since you may be realizing you have not yet eaten today!
1:00pm – Naptime!!! Read the necessary stories, sing a few songs and tuck both kids into bed for an afternoon nap. Oh, and before you do, make sure you put the toddler on the toilet so she can “do her thing.” I guess I forgot to mention you should be doing this at least once an hour to avoid accidents.
While you will be tempted to sit down and put your feet up during this glorious quiet time...don’t get too comfortable. This is your chance to clean up the Cheerios from breakfast, clean the floors, do the laundry, have your devotions, talk on the phone, pay the bills, vacuum and clean bathrooms. Prioritize.
4:00pm – (If your luck holds out) Kids will be up and husband will be home! Hand the kids off to him and get to work preparing a healthy, delicious meal that will appease your husband and also contain all 4 toddler food groups: chicken fingers, cheerios, ketchup and fish crackers. Good luck with that by the way...and if you’re successful, leave the recipe.
6:00pm – After supper, is bath time, bible stories and bed by 8pm!! NOW is your breaktime...and enjoy it...if you can even THINK about doing anything other than crawling into bed! Might as well, since you’ll likely be up again with the baby in a few hours.
Oh, and say hello to my husband for me...tell him I can’t wait to spend some time with him again...in about 18 years!!
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